Wed 19th Oct 2005

Vote for Community Slap Officers

Iím thinking of standing for the local council elections. I, like many others, am becoming increasingly incensed by the growth of low-level anti-social behaviour that I read about in the papers, and now itís time to take a stand.

One of my main policy ideas will be the creation of a new kind of community-based enforcement official. The Community Slap Officer will be very similar at first glance to the Community Support Officer Ė the same high-visibility uniform, and the little moped. But thatís where the similarities end. With the Community Slap Officer, there are no forms to fill in, no fines to collect, no mealy-mouthed recitation of local government legislation. Just Instant Justice in the form of a short, sharp Community Slap Ė like the ones mum used to give. White gloves will be worn on the Slapping Hand, for hygiene reasons, and the Community Slap Officer will be able to dispense a Community Slap, preferably to the side of the head, to anyone that they see breaching acceptable social norms, entirely at their own discretion.

See that girl, walking along the pavement, eating her fried chicken and dropping the bones on the pavement? Slap! The lady in front of me with all the shopping is trying to get off the bus, but she canít, because some impatient moron is trying to get on. Slap! Iím a cyclist Ė I laugh at red lights! Slap! I canít afford a walkman, so Iím listening to bad music at full volume through my stupid tinny mobile on the bus Ė what are you going to do about it? Slap! I want a kebab so Iím going to double park right outside the kebab shop, despite the fact that there is a perfectly good parking space in a side road not fifty yards away. Slap! Slap! Slap! Quite frankly, I think the ideaís a winner.

I have even developed a slogan, for posters and the like: ďPutting the Mum back into the CommumnityĒ. Iím not sure that this works though, so if you have any other suggestions, please let me know.

I trust I can count on your vote.